Week 3, 2010.

Fuck it, nobody reads this shit so I’ll be brutally honest.

My head is screwed up. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m constantly tired and constantly feel like I’m about to fall asleep but it never happens. I’m staying awake at work via espresso coffee from the machine and the relentless confusion that is what goes on in my job.

Why am I like this? I’ve fallen pretty damn hard for a girl that’s taken, but into me.

I always get into situations like these; all 3 years of uni (even though she didn’t speak to me for the best part of a whole year) I was crazy about a girl on my course. She most definitely liked me to, enough to wear a T-shirt that I borrowed to sleep in when I stayed over at her place for week to sleep in herself without washing. Enough to not change the sheets on her bed after I’d slept in it for a while too (she wasn’t in it whilst I slept in it, unfortunately).

That one is a story that’s all in the past, but I still sometimes think *what if* because I just can’t let things go! (that’s another god damn annoying thing about me, I never let things go!)

This time it’s more annoying because logically I’m the better choice (note I say “logically” rather than realistically. I’m a big believer in logic and this time it’s playing against me) because I’m closer, get to see her more often and appear to have more things in common (I could be wrong there though, I try and avoid conversation that involves him).

I could probably deal with it, but we have this back and forth that’s just so cheesy it’s vomit worthy from an outsiders point of view. It’s started in the exact same way as it did back in uni. Texting each other from mere meters away if we’re not at the same table or with other people – at uni it was across the lecture hall. Spending a hell of a lot of spare time together – white swan comfy sofas anyone?.

Why do I put up with it? Because I’m a fucking mug, the obvious answer. And because I’m so needy that spending great time with her and then feeling completely empty when she’s not around is better than just feeling a bit empty all of the time. Oh yeah, I generally feel empty too, no idea why – I have plenty of hobbies, plenty of friends (well, I hope they’re friends) and people often seem happy to see me or have me around, whether they are or not is up to them, as long as they keep it well hidden if they don’t I’m all good.

What else is going on…

I move house on Saturday – this should be interesting. I’ve done it before, but this time it seems bigger. A 2 bedroom flat to myself, that I plan on living in for the foreseeable future if all goes well. I say if all goes well mostly because I have no idea what my job will be in a years time. I want to progress through the company but every god that could possibly exist (if I believed) knows that there’s no chance of that!

Time to buy a new set of sofas, some new kitchen equipment and some bedroom furniture. Want this place to be nice, somewhere that when I get home from a shit days work I can sit down and have a chat with any of my friends beginning with Glen without feeling that I live in a dive and am a failure.

I wanted 2010 to be a good year, but it’s starting out pretty diabolically as far as it goes. ho hum.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at 8:03 PM and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.