Fuck it, nobody reads this shit so I’ll be brutally honest.

My head is screwed up. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m constantly tired and constantly feel like I’m about to fall asleep but it never happens. I’m staying awake at work via espresso coffee from the machine and the relentless confusion that is what goes on in my job.

Why am I like this? I’ve fallen pretty damn hard for a girl that’s taken, but into me.

I always get into situations like these; all 3 years of uni (even though she didn’t speak to me for the best part of a whole year) I was crazy about a girl on my course. She most definitely liked me to, enough to wear a T-shirt that I borrowed to sleep in when I stayed over at her place for week to sleep in herself without washing. Enough to not change the sheets on her bed after I’d slept in it for a while too (she wasn’t in it whilst I slept in it, unfortunately).

That one is a story that’s all in the past, but I still sometimes think *what if* because I just can’t let things go! (that’s another god damn annoying thing about me, I never let things go!)

This time it’s more annoying because logically I’m the better choice (note I say “logically” rather than realistically. I’m a big believer in logic and this time it’s playing against me) because I’m closer, get to see her more often and appear to have more things in common (I could be wrong there though, I try and avoid conversation that involves him).

I could probably deal with it, but we have this back and forth that’s just so cheesy it’s vomit worthy from an outsiders point of view. It’s started in the exact same way as it did back in uni. Texting each other from mere meters away if we’re not at the same table or with other people – at uni it was across the lecture hall. Spending a hell of a lot of spare time together – white swan comfy sofas anyone?.

Why do I put up with it? Because I’m a fucking mug, the obvious answer. And because I’m so needy that spending great time with her and then feeling completely empty when she’s not around is better than just feeling a bit empty all of the time. Oh yeah, I generally feel empty too, no idea why – I have plenty of hobbies, plenty of friends (well, I hope they’re friends) and people often seem happy to see me or have me around, whether they are or not is up to them, as long as they keep it well hidden if they don’t I’m all good.

What else is going on…

I move house on Saturday – this should be interesting. I’ve done it before, but this time it seems bigger. A 2 bedroom flat to myself, that I plan on living in for the foreseeable future if all goes well. I say if all goes well mostly because I have no idea what my job will be in a years time. I want to progress through the company but every god that could possibly exist (if I believed) knows that there’s no chance of that!

Time to buy a new set of sofas, some new kitchen equipment and some bedroom furniture. Want this place to be nice, somewhere that when I get home from a shit days work I can sit down and have a chat with any of my friends beginning with Glen without feeling that I live in a dive and am a failure.

I wanted 2010 to be a good year, but it’s starting out pretty diabolically as far as it goes. ho hum.

I love being in a band! It f**king rocks, I won’t beat around the bush. Even though currently I’m the one letting the team down by knowing the least songs I have an awesome time at every practise. I don’t feel too bad though, I did join a full band and steal some of the playtime away from the other guitarist, so it’s only to be expected that I know the least.

We don’t play our own stuff, we enjoy playing other peoples stuff – it’s easier that way and more people will enjoy it. Even if you sound dreadful, which we don’t, a covers band is always a good night out.

Currently I suppose I could do a setlist with about 10-12 songs in, but that’s barely enough to do a warm up.

We practise every couple of weeks and in the next fortnight I’ve got to carry on learning a few classics

• Peter Frampton – Show me the way
• Bon Jovi – Livin’ on a prayer
• Metallica – For whom the bell tolls

I can probably get Frampton nailed in an evening and then keep practising so that I can play without looking at all – you can’t look down when you’ve got a tube stuck in your gob and you’re eating a microphone!

Bon Jovi is near enough learned, just have to get the arrangement sorted and the little solo after the first chorus worked out.

The Metallica track is an annoying one – stupid little lick in it that just wont go away! I’ll probably have to work at that the most to get it in the right order as it’s all so similar it’s easy to forget which part comes next and even what part you just played!

I think it’ll probably take about 4 weeks to get those 3 tracks perfected between the 4 of us, so that’s 2 more practises. Then onto the next set of tracks to learn. No idea what we’ll collectively learn next but I have to learn the songs that they already do that everyone wants to hear at a covers night in amongst these. Answers on a postcard as to what I should learn!

If you’re still reading this you’ve got more tolerance for garbage than most, and I commend you. I can never sleep after getting back form band practise, always so wired. So tonight I’m going to watch another Sci-Fi film from the 50 that I have to watch this year and maybe have a beer, brewdog of course.

Laters.

The amount of days I’ve been been alive up till now…

This isn’t a soppy post, more of just a ramble about how I enjoy the way I live and love (which is very little), and it finishes the trilogy :p

So, what’s going on with my love life? Not a lot; I don’t have anyone in my sights, nobody has their eyes on me and I’m not in any particular hurry to find someone.
Paul Simon once wrote “I am a rock, I am an island”, and that’s how I like it.
I have a very specific type of person that I like, and I don’t like to compromise, which makes it very hard for me to find somebody I like even if they like me. Oh, and my very low tollerance of annoyances helps keep me isolated.

It’s really hard to find a girl that listens to rock/metal in gravesend, seems this place is full of chavs and foreigners (unfortunately not the rock band foreigner).

Hopefully I’ll age into a very bitter and miserable person, I think it’s the only way to go

Laters.

Yep, after last time you must have guessed it, there’s 223 days left of the year!

What do I intend to do with them?!?!

Spend less money on booze, I won’t be buying any to drink in the house for a good while now – seeing as it all just goes so suddenly once it’s opened. Of course stopping drinking is a silly idea, I’ve tried that one as you might have read :p

I’m going to take a good look at what I own vs. what I use and start selling stuff I never use on ebay, starting with a POD XT that I bought and have barely used. I’ll be able to get around £100 for that if I’m very lucky.

Gotta be more organised with everything, I have piles of junk that are just scattered around everywhere and never get filed/tidied. Gotta go with the work approach to this of “a place for everything and everything in it’s place” so some cheap plastic boxes to organise stuff will be the way. Of course I’d like to buy some nice storage units, but I don’t need them – and after the last post I won’t be buying them :p

Next comes to acommodation, which is a tricky one…

Do I like where I’m living?

Yes

Do I like my housemates

Yes, both awesome people

Do I like the company?

Yes, most of the time

Do I like house sharing again?

Not really.

After living on my own for a year, to living with a couple of people that I work with, things have changed a great deal. I love the place we’re living at, and the guys I’m living with are a great laugh, I just don’t think house sharing with more than one person is for me. The great smoking divide is what is making it hard for me too – both of my housemates smoke and as such spend a lot of time together smoking outside, both at work and at home. I’m finding that there is a definite Me & Them vibe to the household which is getting me down. It’s nothing that they’re deliberately doing at all and I don’t dislike them for it, it just gets to me.

So what am I going to do?

Stick it out, last till the end of the years contract (even though there is a 6 month breakout clause) as I do enjoy living here, enjoy the company, and like gravesend, then see where it goes from there. I’d be able to save money if it weren’t for my personal inability to do so, so I’ll do that and then look into the possibility of moving in with somebody else maybe, or getting a place of my own again if money allows.

Oh what’s a girl to do?!

Matt.