1. So there I was working at the exclusively non-exclusive pub called The Stoneleigh. The clock snailing by as it usually does on a Wednesday. When an advert for coke zero appears on the TVs in the pub… ‘great coke taste without the sugar’ they claim… now usually I’m not prone to the brainwashing allure of television adverts with their stroke inducing flashing lights, quirky characters, gimmicks, music, and other crap they pump into the eyes between bits of ‘quality television programming’; and seeing as I really have no need for this product since I couldn’t give a shit if a coke contained 2 tonnes of sugar (in fact id be slightly impressed and intrigued at how they could fit it into such a small bottle) but still I think ‘fuck it, it cant hurt’ and travel post-haste to the COOP on Stoneleigh Broadway… make my purchase and return. I tried said beverage and here are my findings…..
What the hell is this?!?!?! This isn’t coke!!! Its just some brown liquid put into a cokeish bottle and called coke zero! It’s tasteless!! It’s the equivalent of drinking your own saliva…. that’s just how tasteless this crappy Coke Zero is!! OH BRAVO coca cola you’ve made a ‘non-sugar’ soft drink… NEWSFLASH water doesn’t contain sugar AT ALL and probably tastes more like coke than coke zero!!! Bloody pointless purchase!! As always the adverts lie… Trading Standards should be called and the slogan changed to ‘Coke Zero… It’s Coke without Coke! Don’t bother!!!’ I’ll tell you what you can make your own coke zero at home at a very small fraction of the cost… simply grab an empty coke bottle, and fill it with muddyish rain water… TAHDAA Coke Zero… In fact this will probably taste better than Coke Zero since there may well still be some REAL Coke still in the bottle when the water goes in!!!
In conclusion… COKE ZERO IS SHIT!
2. Let us begin again…
It has been bought to my attention that even after my standardization of ‘Coke Zero’ by me in a previous rant that many other soft drink’s have hopped on the ‘No Sugar Shit Taste’ bandwagon of doom. Unable to believe the messenger I immediately slapped myself on the forehead screaming ‘Oh Jesus, MeeSir Gonwna Gow Crwazy!!!’ over and over and ran to my nearest provider of soft drinks post haste! (After I’d had my meds… but not too many obviously). Upon my arrival I charged head on pulling ‘old dears’, strange scene kids and an Elvis look-a-like out of my way in the scramble to seek the unmentionable…
LOW AND BEHOLD!!!!! Fucking Fanta Zero, God Damn Dr Pepper Zero, and possibly others (I blacked out with rage) were there!!! THESE PRODUCTS ARE SHOCKINGLY SHIT!!! What the fuck is wrong with these people!?!?! Who the hell cares if there is sugar in soft drinks? Honestly who?!?! Let’s look for one second at the original ‘Non-Sugar’ soft drink, Pepsi Max……… DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY DRINK PEPSI…? LET ALONE PEPSI MAX? Fuck me if the original drink tastes worse than a professional farter’s underpants that went one parp too far who the fuck is gonna buy a non-sugar version which tastes WORSE?!!?!? God help me if I was to design a soft drink it would contain as much tasty sugar, poisons and crap as possible and be called… ‘Chris’ Crap in a Can’ and the slogan would be ‘Because Everything Else is SHIT!’
Honestly God help a world that cares what’s bad for it… Sugar is bad… Smoking is bad… Drugs are bad (Mkay)… Sunlight is bad… Dolphins are bad… Baldness is bad…. WHO CARES??? If we want to know this crap WE WILL ASK!!! Do you see anyone with placards protesting that there is sugar in soft drinks… do ya??? NO YOU FUCKING DON’T! You don’t see any placards at all since no-one gives a shit about anything… EVER!
For all those nay-Sayers out there who either like ‘Zero’ Drinks or argue the ‘well at least we have a choice’ way of thinking please don’t hesitate to send me a letter addressed to…
1 Your Anus
Topofyourlegs Betweenthecheeks
Ramitinhard
POO 4U
I’m sure they will be answered as soon as you shit them out… thank you.
Better end now before I Hemorrhage all over the keyboard again.
Everyone who loves a rant stay tuned… everyone else fuck off.
Crispy